Again, it is 12:03 am and I should definitely be asleep! Alas my night owls, I cannot sleep and am too wound up.
Lesson of the day: It is okay to cut toxic people out of your life.
Today I made the difficult decision to cut my mother out of my life. Honestly, sometimes it needs to happen. I’m sure we all have that one person (maybe more) who is just so toxic and we don’t need clouding our judgments and every day emotions. If I’m being honest with myself it probably should have been done ages ago, but I am a stubborn person who likes to hold onto things purely for sentimental value. My mom and I had good times sometimes so I should keep her in my life right?
She hasn’t always been a part of my life and I think that is where I struggle. My brothers and I were taken from her – for good reason – at young ages. I was 6 years old. After foster care and many court processions my mom lost custody and I was not allowed to contact her until I was 18. When the time came I was nervous, excited, confused, angry, sad, and so so anxious. I didn’t know if I wanted her in my life but I had always wanted that motherly figure. I used to cry about it as I was falling asleep when I was a child, just wishing I could have a real mother figure or that this whole thing was a huge misunderstanding. I remember the first time I brought up wanting to see her again after I became of age and I was so anxious I nearly vomited on the spot. I did and in some aspects I regretted it but didn’t turn back because, hey, I had already gone this far so why not?
As our relationship progressed more and more issues presented itself. Her stories would have inconsistencies and she never remembered things the way I, and other people remembered them. Yeah, I know I was a child but I have a VERY good memory. She just always made me so angry. It boiled over at one point when she called me a liar. I think that was when I realized she never was and never would be who I needed her to be. We have lived amicably for the most part. We exchanged pleasantries through the years after but I always shook my head in her various attempts to parent me or when she brought up the past.
Then, last year, I went to stay with her and my grandparents (her parents) for 3 months. I saw how she wasn’t raising my littlest brother and my sister and couldn’t handle it anymore. We haven’t spoken much since. Recently she started coming back into my life with a vengeance; she wanted to know everything that was happening in my life. I mean, Everything. She wouldn’t leave me alone. She got the notion that we were one big happy family again and dragged my other little brother and his wife into it. This was all right when I decided to start therapy for PTSD. Personally, I think she should go to therapy herself and maybe see about mental illnesses. Not saying this in a bad way, but with all of the drugs and her coping skills etc, She has to have something going on.
Finally, she messaged me this week saying she still checked in on the guy who was put in jail for hurting her 3 oldest kids. She still cared about him after all of these years despite the trauma, abuse, and pain he put us through. I seriously am struggling with that. I live with what they have done every day and she as my MOTHER, was saying she knew this stuff happened and she allowed it back then, but she still couldn’t help but care for him even now.
So, I blocked her. I cut her out of my life. I explained to her I have things I need to work through and she is too toxic to keep in my life while I am trying to move forward. Did I feel bad? Yeah. She is still my biological mother. Did I cry? You bet. Do I feel a bit of relief and know it was the right decision? While it may suck, absolutely. Maybe in the far future I will be able to work through all of my issues and set better boundaries with her. However, it’s okay if I don’t make it that far. Sometimes to heal, you need to do what is right for you. It is a lesson I’m still learning every day, but today, I was able to stand up for me for once. Small victories are everything in situations like this.
I hope you all have a good day. I want to challenge you do to something for you today. Thank you for reading this far. I appreciate you! -SK