I always get dragged back in…

***Trigger warning: Rape***

A few days back or so, (sometime last week even if I can’t remember already) I had blocked my mother and told her I needed space. Well, honestly, she isn’t really my mother – she didn’t raise me AND she gave up her parental rights (things I also just learned last week) So I guess I’ll just call her birth giver.

My brother called me up today and asked ‘why did I say things about my mom’ and ‘why did I cut her out of my life for good’ and ‘why did I say she can never see or speak to her grandson again?’… The questions went on. I had to stop him mid thought and said “Excuse me?? What are you talking about?” He replied to me Oh mom has been saying this and my wife agrees with her…. I am usually pretty easy going but this ticked me off to the max. This is literally what I wrote to her:

Hey mom, I don’t know when you will get this message but I’m going to be deleting facebook. I wanted to let you know I have been going through therapy and we started talking about trauma and everything that happened when I was a child. I think it would be best for me during this time if we had some space. Please do not ask about me to others. I need that total space. I apologize if this upsets you but I have stuff I am sorting through and figuring out that is very painful and difficult. Thank you for understanding.

Apparently what I said to her is me doing the questions asked previously. She is feeding everyone I know these lies and trying to turn my family against me. Which I know it will work, as they have completely supported her in the past (with the exception of my father and my brother)

I probably shouldn’t have but I called her and told her to knock it off and gave her a piece of my mind. She deserved it and I stuck up for myself which I don’t normally do. People say or do things and I don’t agree with them, silently. I rebuffed her this time though.

She asked again if I remembered the good times. I reminded her no, I don’t. What I remember is sitting in my closet in the dark crying and hoping that her boyfriend wouldn’t come in that night and rape me. What I remember is being slapped for having a jolly rancher while I watched Beauty and the Beast the christmas edition. What I remember is sitting dirty and afraid on the stairs huddled with my brother because we were told if we moved we would ‘get it’ and be beaten or raped as punishment. She had the audacity to tell me the reports were incorrect and she was never on drugs before she lost my brothers and I. She was on meth, drank all the time, and who knows what other drugs. She told me things never happened and we never owned birds. An argument about having birds may seem stupid to some, but to me it is a big deal. We had two parakeets: a blue one named Angel and a green one named Petey. The man who used to abuse us would often say if you don’t do _____ (whatever it was he wanted at the time – usually sexual) he would kill my birds. I believed him. I still do. He wasn’t a nice man, clearly, he raped a boy with special needs and a girl who was 6. I told birth giver that I can’t take what she says into account because she tells me all the time she can’t remember s*** – Her words. I have VERY vivid and detailed memories but yet I’m a liar because she would know better than me because I was a child. Give me a break.

I have so much anger and frustration. I don’t know what to do with it. The only way I can think to help myself is to write to you, whoever will listen. I cried today after I spoke to her. I had a partial anxiety attack but was able to pull myself out of it a bit or squelch it. I don’t know if in doing so I prolonged it, we shall see I suppose..

One of the first things she did say to me when I confronted her about spreading rumors was, I have a lot of s*** I’m dealing with too. I’m being investigated again by child services and have to deal with all of this. To which I replied: I don’t care. It doesn’t concern me and that is something she has to deal with. I have my own stuff to take care of. She said everyone does. I ended up taking the bait even though I shouldn’t have. I’m kicking myself again for it. I yelled at her and reminded her that the stuff I’m dealing with now was because of her own crappy choices. I yelled at her that because of everything she has done, I am now in pain for it and dealing with all of her consequences while she gets away.

She has never taken responsibility for what happened. Two entire years of my life spent in fear and in pain because she couldn’t choose her children over her boyfriend. The last thing I said to her before hanging up that phone was this time it gets to be about me. She has always made it about her, but now, I get to be selfish and focus on me. And that, that part, felt really good.

I appreciate you staying through the rant.. I will try to do better next time and not fall for her hook, line, and sinker. It has been a super long day, I’m ready for tomorrow, so I think I’m going to veg out and watch the office. Enjoy your night



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