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Been a while

Hey Lovelies,

I know, I know. I left for a long time. Things happen and change and they just get in the way. I started having more and more panic attacks. I almost lost my job because I was accused of things I would never do. There was an investigation on me, all because I told the truth and my bosses got angry and retaliated. The business was bought out and thank the Gods my new boss believed me and helped me through everything. I learned some hard truths last year. I struggled but honestly, I am doing better. I haven’t had as many episodes and my panic and fainting attacks have lessened. I have been taking this time to work on myself and build myself back up. I thank you for your patience and sticking with me through my hiatus. I am back now ❤ Now, let’s get through the rest of this pandemic together. Sending my love.

Anxiously Proud?

Is that a thing? I’ve done something that I was proud of, something that took a lot of work and time. Something I randomly dreamed up and was able to make it real and it’s getting attention. I’m really proud of my work but also, what do I do now that it has gotten attention. Anxiety has taken hold whispering what if I mess up. I’ve gotten this far, what happens when the gauntlet falls and I can’t keep up with the next expectations? Nothing other than anxiously proud could ever describe what I’m feeling right now.

Goodbye

How do you say goodbye knowing it will be the last goodbye? This past week I went out of state to go visit my grandparents. Their health is failing and it’s expensive to go out and see them. We just don’t have the funds to do it more often. I struggled to say goodbye to them. I didn’t know what to say knowing that I wouldn’t be able to make it back before they passed and they know it too. My heart breaks with the knowledge. I wish I had taken more pictures. I have all of these regrets and no time to fix them. I have been off and feeling out of sorts since we came back. Struggling with the idea that I should have hugged them a little longer.. a little tighter.. and now, I have no time to do so. Time and space in this case are the bane of my existence.

Overwhelmed

There are so many things I need to do. How does one stay on top of their mental health, keep the house clean, laundry folded, kids cared for, remember all of the things that I need to do outside of those – like take my meds every day, the fundraiser deadlines etc. How does one do it? The house is a mess and started to leak water into the basement again. I’m so tired of all of the home improvement. This house was supposed to be move in ready. It has needed so many repairs. I regret letting anyone talk me into living here. I’m overwhelmed and so tired despite taking my meds every day. I have been trying so so hard and it feels like it isn’t enough some days. What do you do when you have days like this? Share with a tired mom ❤ Hope you all are having a good start to your week!

Ramblings

Hey Lovely People, have you ever been so anxious to try something that you make yourself nearly sick over it? I’m trying out a new medication tonight. It is supposed to help with anxiety. The ironic part is, I’m anxious to take it. I find it kind of funny. Today was so long I barely remember it to be honest. Tomorrow is another long day. I’m going to take my son to the ballet for the first time so I hope he likes it. I think he will like the outing if nothing else. I’m trying to keep my mind busy while I wait for that med to kick in so I’m not completely anxious about it and hyperfocusing on what my body is doing. Anyway I hope you all had a wonderful Friday. Happy Weekend!

Fly Me to the Moon

Hey Lovely People!

I don’t even know what has happened since then. The pandemic – What a doozy. I got married to my best friend (our song was Fly my to the moon), found a new therapist, had a baby who is now a toddler, we moved into a house. I’ve been gone for a loooonnnnnggggg while.

Lately, in therapy I’ve been working on identity. I finally feel safe after so long of being in fight or flight mode. So it’s time to discover who I am. My likes, dislikes, who I am, and what I want to do in life are the questions that are constantly at the forefront of my brain.

I found a wonderful community and have been doing oracle readings. My son decided he wants to go to church. He’s now 6.5 can you believe it? I hope you’ve all been well. I got my laptop fixed so I’m hoping that I’ll be able to write more frequently, but I also have ADHD so we’ll see how that goes. Still taking it day by day in this crazy world we live in.

Love to you all!

Relationship with Food

Today is another day where I am struggling. I am void of most emotions except for the ones anxiety give me. I realized in these instances I turn to food. I eat and stuff myself to the point of feeling uncomfortable in the hopes that it will help me feel something. It never works, and it sends me into a spiral afterwards.