Today is just a downward spiral. I haven’t seen my therapist since the 24th of September and now I won’t see here again until the 29th.. It is almost a whole month.. The struggle is real..
Today is another day where I am struggling. I am void of most emotions except for the ones anxiety give me. I realized in these instances I turn to food. I eat and stuff myself to the point of feeling uncomfortable in the hopes that it will help me feel something. It never works, and it sends me into a spiral afterwards.
There’s bustling, jarring chords,
I’m in the middle but feel no warmth.
See the sights, hear the sounds, all I see in my direction are frowns.
Friendly faces, happy chatter, still and silent in all places.
Fake smiles, hiding darkness,
While stomach bile rises.
A party is not the place for me.
I’m so lonely.
I’m surprised. This is one thing I haven’t felt in a while.
I’m so tired of being sick. I can’t keep anything down and I don’t have an appetite either. I’ve been trying the brat diet but it clearly isn’t working. My insides are being clenched and twisted all around and it hurts.
I’ve noticed my mental health suffers a lot when I’m sick. It is hard to keep my mind healthy when my body isn’t. Maybe because I’m fighting too much at once? I’ve been so irritable, tired, weepy… In the words of our household I’m being a grumpfish and a crabapple. Seriously though, this illness is running through my house. My son already had it but his appetite has yet to return. According to the drs it is just a virus so we’re stuck until it is done.
How do you guys keep your moods up when you’re sick?
I was going to apologize for my absence and give you reasons, but honestly, that is just me. I get caught up in my moods and sadness and my energy is just so low that I can’t be bothered to write. When I think of something I start a draft but I don’t finish them. I have 2 drafts saved at present that might see the light of the sun or moon someday. Who knows.
Instead, I will say thank you for bearing with me as I fluctuate. I appreciate you.
You ever think how crazy it is that a song can just take you back, and instantly change your mood completely? I have a few like that. Hotel California, A Drop in the Ocean, Heathens – you get the idea. However, nothing hits me as hard as 7 Years.
It came on the radio today and I haven’t heard it in a long time. My brain was racing “where did I know this song from?” As my consciousness was catching up something in my brain was saying ‘warning warning’ and I tried to turn back before I made the connection but it was too late. It felt like I was driving and saw a patch of ice too late. I knew what was coming and tried to fix it the best I could and swerve, but let’s be honest, it was already in motion and I knew the outcome already.
Afterwards, unwanted memories came flooding back and replayed the night that I associate most with that song. I was reminded of things and people I do my best to shove out of my mind. It was a good memory, but now it is just so painful to relive. I’m no longer that person in the memory and I am no longer connected or aquainted to those in it..
To hear that song today shattered my mood a little bit and I haven’t been able to get it back up. What do you do when that happens to you?
Appreciating you all, -SK