Day 5 of sickness

I’m so tired of being sick. I can’t keep anything down and I don’t have an appetite either. I’ve been trying the brat diet but it clearly isn’t working. My insides are being clenched and twisted all around and it hurts.

I’ve noticed my mental health suffers a lot when I’m sick. It is hard to keep my mind healthy when my body isn’t. Maybe because I’m fighting too much at once? I’ve been so irritable, tired, weepy… In the words of our household I’m being a grumpfish and a crabapple. Seriously though, this illness is running through my house. My son already had it but his appetite has yet to return. According to the drs it is just a virus so we’re stuck until it is done.

How do you guys keep your moods up when you’re sick?

Absent

I was going to apologize for my absence and give you reasons, but honestly, that is just me. I get caught up in my moods and sadness and my energy is just so low that I can’t be bothered to write. When I think of something I start a draft but I don’t finish them. I have 2 drafts saved at present that might see the light of the sun or moon someday. Who knows.

Instead, I will say thank you for bearing with me as I fluctuate. I appreciate you.

Fondly, -SK

Power of a song

Hey everyone,

You ever think how crazy it is that a song can just take you back, and instantly change your mood completely? I have a few like that. Hotel California, A Drop in the Ocean, Heathens – you get the idea. However, nothing hits me as hard as 7 Years.

It came on the radio today and I haven’t heard it in a long time. My brain was racing “where did I know this song from?” As my consciousness was catching up something in my brain was saying ‘warning warning’ and I tried to turn back before I made the connection but it was too late. It felt like I was driving and saw a patch of ice too late. I knew what was coming and tried to fix it the best I could and swerve, but let’s be honest, it was already in motion and I knew the outcome already.

Afterwards, unwanted memories came flooding back and replayed the night that I associate most with that song. I was reminded of things and people I do my best to shove out of my mind. It was a good memory, but now it is just so painful to relive. I’m no longer that person in the memory and I am no longer connected or aquainted to those in it..

To hear that song today shattered my mood a little bit and I haven’t been able to get it back up. What do you do when that happens to you?

Appreciating you all, -SK

Wonderment of Space

Today wasn’t a great day. I nearly broke down with an anxiety attack on 3 separate occasions. I came home and had to make some phone calls regarding my family. When I was done, my son came running up to me calling my name and gave me a big hug. He just stared at me with those big brown eyes and silly smile and asked if I was okay.

He takes the weight of anxiety off my chest and when I am parenting him, I am truly happy and in the moment. He calms me down, helps me speak softly, and be gentle, loving, and kind. He brings out the best in me.

Yesterday I bought him pants with stars, the moon, and some planets on them. He was so excited and ended up wearing them today. He told everyone he was wearing the “moom” as he calls it (moon). Today at dinner I showed him pictures of galaxies, moons, the planets, nebulae, and space to get him to continue eating as he is a super picky eater. With each picture his entire face lit up in wonderment and happiness, asking what each one was and repeating it to the best of his ability. After each one he asked for more and would call them by name.

As I watched his little face light up time and time again, I had an Ah-Ha moment. It is so important to take in the wonder of it all. We live in such a brilliant place. Space is so immense and beautiful, yet the majority of people don’t give it much thought – me included, unless my son asks for it of course. We have to take more time to appreciate the small things in life: like appreciating the colors and vibrancy in a picture of space, or looking at a picture of Earth and realizing we are such a small part of the universe, or taking in how vast it actually is. If we look at something with a child-like wonder again, the world could be a magnificent place.

Potty Training

My son is 2 years and one month and we have started potty training. We started about two months ago. We bought the underwear and got out potty seats and the little potty chair. He wears underwear most times with the exception of the car, naptime, and bedtime. He’s been doing well but we have a hard time with getting him to let us know he has to potty (poppy in his words).

Tonight though, we had a break through!! He actually asked. He said peees mommy. Pees I go poop on poppy? Which is huge! First of all, he used an entire sentence. It is super exciting because we have been working on that with him. Second, not only did he ask to use the potty, he also went poop on it!! That is such a difficult thing to get through with kids and potty training. I’m stoked and such a proud mama.

It’s all about the little things and celebrating all of the accomplishments no matter how small they may seem.           -SK

Drowsy

I feel like that Pokemon that sleeps all the time. Today is going by so slowly and I’m struggling to stay up right through the day. I’m only half done with my work shift and already I have had to deal with 3 accidents, 4 fights, and one child needs my constant attention because they didn’t sleep last night. I need caffeine and strenght to push through the rest of the day.

Wish me luck. -SK

I always get dragged back in…

***Trigger warning: Rape***

A few days back or so, (sometime last week even if I can’t remember already) I had blocked my mother and told her I needed space. Well, honestly, she isn’t really my mother – she didn’t raise me AND she gave up her parental rights (things I also just learned last week) So I guess I’ll just call her birth giver.

Continue reading “I always get dragged back in…” →

New England

Well, I guess I am officially a ‘real’ New Englander. Yesterday, after living in NE for 17 years now, I finally went to the Big E for the first time. I liked it well enough and it was interesting to see all of the vendors. I got a couple things: a christmas present, and a bear with my son’s name embroidered on it.

I am really proud of myself for going and staying the whole time. I only cried once the entire thing! It’s a big deal for me with the anxiety. There were multiple times where I felt like I would pass out from the amount of people there and how many times I had to interact with people. I swear you can only do small talk so much. To me, it is such a huge thing to say I stayed a day at the Big E and I’m proud of the accomplishment.

It is the small steps! Good food and good people, is a good time.

Sorry for not writing yesterday, honestly I was so ridiculously tired. I have more to tell you tomorrow but that can wait!

Rest easy and I hope your day is filled with ease. Tomorrow take one step, even if it is something like brushing your hair. You will feel better for doing it and I’ll cheer you on here! I’ll always be so proud of the ‘little things’.

-SK

Morning Anxiety

Every morning I have a bit of anxiety: The ‘I know I have something important to do today, but am anxious about it so I put off getting up until the last possible minute, and then get anxious about being late’ syndrome.

This post is literally a procrastination post. This is literally every day of my life.

Today I have to go drop off a payment for my car. I told her 8am but it looks like it won’t be until 9. I’m not proud of it but every morning the stress and thought of interacting, watching what I say and do, in this case I also hate my car but can afford nothing better at this time – it all wells up in a pit inside my stomach. It feels like it settles under my sternum and perches there like Poe’s Raven glaring at me.

Yikes my last alarm just went off. The drive down there is awful. It is an hour away and I get such anxiety driving.. Urgh not a good start to the day. Well, wish me luck!

What does the start to your day look like?

I hope you have an enjoyable day. -SK